Bucket List matters

Time and time again I hear myself saying -"yeah, need to do own business, no more slaving for someone else's kingdom."

The issue is when, what, where and how.

There are so many questions to ask and reconcile first before letting everything go. Anyway, recently a friend of mine and I finally put our money where our mouth is and bought some pieces of clothing that we could sell to friends we meet or on FB. I have made 4 sales and it has made me think that we can do it and should do it and will make it.

Well, 'making it' is relative - but I am quite proud to say that I finally went on to start something rather than just talk about it.

So - we are still bobbing about managing it as we go along, at out own pace. It feels good.

Looking down at the blog, there are still things to do before I hit 40. I thank God for taking me this far and giving me all that I need. I am contented with what I have and all the experiences He has allowed be to go through.

As for a birthday entry - turning 35 did not happen with any fire works or a big great bang. (Thank God). All I know is, partying with char koay teow and umbra peng is bliss.

:)

Indifference

Spiralling Sunday neurosis is not advisable. So what better else to do on a Sunday afternoon but to blog my blues away. We should all stop awhile and smell the roses. I feel that the prime of my life is being eaten away by the hustle and bustle of work and things I HAVE to do. Anyway, for now a good cup of tea and some cheesecake would have to do as my coping mechanisms. I feel a bit irratable today. Its the house mess, the things not done, the dishes not washed and I cannot be bothered. Sometimes I want to be the carefree one. I want to be the one to be picked up after. I want to be the one who expects things to be done. I want to be the one who is pampered. I want to be the one who can just leave things unfinished and know that no one will nag. I guess I am tired of being the 'bigger' person, the person to rely on, the person one would go to for anything. I want to crawl into my cave with my cake and tea and not come out till things are done, the mess if cleared, the dishes washed, the world perfect.

Living

Just 2 minutes ago I got to know that my friend had gone to a better place after battling with cancer for a few years. She was strong throughout. She took cancer by its horns and stared it in the face. She achieved much and inspired many.

This is a reminder that we have to live life to the fullest and make it count. Mel B, you rock forever.

Fat

I suppose I never came to terms with my fat till now. When I thought I was obese, I actually looked like I could be blown out the room with a fan. Now when I thought all in fine in my world, my MIL insinuates I am not good enough to roam the land of planet Earth because I do not have a figure to grace a centrefold and do not have kids so that other people will not look down on her. Ok. Back up a bit. My world is fine and I am very happy with all that the good Lord has blessed me.

Granted, I love my food. I proudly declare that I live to eat. I would insist on euthanasia if I could not taste food any longer. However, I surely do not think I am THAT fat for her to compile a scrap book of ads and products for me. FYI, amongst the ads are some other ads about fertility and yada yada yada.

So, the issue at hand is not about her. It's about me.

Am I really so fat? Do I look disgraceful to you and your family? Do you really need a granchild to be validated? Am I going to have kids someday? Do I know my husband's sperm count?

I already know the answers to all those questions but just needed to get it out of my system. It was a flashback to my insecure self when I was very much younger and would strive and wish I was someone I was not. Those days are over baby, I am all me and here to stay.

As I sip my tea and have a foodgasm with my butter cookie, I thank God that I am wonderfully made - warts and all :)

35 going on 105?

What hits the snag is a bunch of 35 year olds, all pretty and dainty talking about pains and aches for 2 hours. I did not know what to do... to scream or to scream some more. Of course when I say pretty and dainty, I am not speaking about myself. They were my ex school mates who met up for dinner during the holidays.

Well, I came away from the dinner feeling all tired and sapped. No one shared any significant issues in their lives, no one edified another person (apart from dishing out advice on which doctor to go to and what how much time it took to recover from some leg pains), no one listened.

As I sat munching on my salad and nibbling some pizza, I developed an ear ache and a stiff neck with all that listening and pretending to be interested in 2 hours worth of pain.

Pain begets pain.

Thank God it was over if not I may have developed some terminal illness. :p

Full Circle

When I was 17 I went to this obscure village in another country. It was a life-changing experience and the seed to fight for the voiceless and to eleviate poverty flourished. I met my peers who did not have a fraction of all that I took for granted - such as parents, school, pocket money, a home, a fridge, a tv, police, hospital, clinics and a country which I could go out any time of the day and not be shot dead.

Seeing how my peers survived even with the lack of basic amenities just made me wonder the fragility of one's securities.

When I left the village and bid farewell to newfound friends, we sobbed like someone had died. They knew and I knew that the next time we ever met again was in heaven or some other place not in this lifetime. As months went by, correspondences via snail mail dwindled, postal services were unreliable and the last we heard that village was burnt down after an attack.

It has been years ... but 1 month ago, I got in contact with one of them whom I met there when he was 11. He is now in another country living out his passion as an artiste.

I thank God for His hand on my life all these years. More so, I realise God never abandoned me in my times of despair and when I thought I wasted my time not pursuing my passion. In fact, it was within His plans to mould me to who I am today.

By God enabling me to get in touch with my dear friend whom I never thought I would meet again reminds me of His faithfulness in times of my faithlessness. It reminds me of never giving up on God because He is God. It reminds me that my big picture is just a tiny speck in God's BIG Picture. It reminds me that I should clear out my cupboard more often as the younger me may have left some surprises for the older me :)

Sporadic Emergence

Being the Lockness monster that I am, this blog has just been sitting in the back of my mind.

This 2 years have been me living life and having adventures which I never thought was possible for me. God has a funny way of taking you through the unbeaten path if you ask for it. It has been a wonderful ride, with the good and the bad.

As I take stock of my life, I will not exchange it for anything in the world. I am not rich, I am not powerful, I am not drop dead gorgeous, I am not a genious, I am not famous, I am not a rock star (yet), my teeth aren't white enough, my hair is thinning, my eyebags are have their own postal address, my neck feels like a old railway track... (ok I shall stop here lest I get depressed)

BUT I am contented, I am happy, I have my family, I have good friends, I know why I am here now, I love what I do, I have food, I can come home and hug my dog, I am at peace with myself, I can always do more, I know that God is with me.

Having a fulfilled life is appreciating the untangible, taking the chances and laughing till you vomit.

Amen.