Indifference

Spiralling Sunday neurosis is not advisable. So what better else to do on a Sunday afternoon but to blog my blues away. We should all stop awhile and smell the roses. I feel that the prime of my life is being eaten away by the hustle and bustle of work and things I HAVE to do. Anyway, for now a good cup of tea and some cheesecake would have to do as my coping mechanisms. I feel a bit irratable today. Its the house mess, the things not done, the dishes not washed and I cannot be bothered. Sometimes I want to be the carefree one. I want to be the one to be picked up after. I want to be the one who expects things to be done. I want to be the one who is pampered. I want to be the one who can just leave things unfinished and know that no one will nag. I guess I am tired of being the 'bigger' person, the person to rely on, the person one would go to for anything. I want to crawl into my cave with my cake and tea and not come out till things are done, the mess if cleared, the dishes washed, the world perfect.

Fat

I suppose I never came to terms with my fat till now. When I thought I was obese, I actually looked like I could be blown out the room with a fan. Now when I thought all in fine in my world, my MIL insinuates I am not good enough to roam the land of planet Earth because I do not have a figure to grace a centrefold and do not have kids so that other people will not look down on her. Ok. Back up a bit. My world is fine and I am very happy with all that the good Lord has blessed me.

Granted, I love my food. I proudly declare that I live to eat. I would insist on euthanasia if I could not taste food any longer. However, I surely do not think I am THAT fat for her to compile a scrap book of ads and products for me. FYI, amongst the ads are some other ads about fertility and yada yada yada.

So, the issue at hand is not about her. It's about me.

Am I really so fat? Do I look disgraceful to you and your family? Do you really need a granchild to be validated? Am I going to have kids someday? Do I know my husband's sperm count?

I already know the answers to all those questions but just needed to get it out of my system. It was a flashback to my insecure self when I was very much younger and would strive and wish I was someone I was not. Those days are over baby, I am all me and here to stay.

As I sip my tea and have a foodgasm with my butter cookie, I thank God that I am wonderfully made - warts and all :)

35 going on 105?

What hits the snag is a bunch of 35 year olds, all pretty and dainty talking about pains and aches for 2 hours. I did not know what to do... to scream or to scream some more. Of course when I say pretty and dainty, I am not speaking about myself. They were my ex school mates who met up for dinner during the holidays.

Well, I came away from the dinner feeling all tired and sapped. No one shared any significant issues in their lives, no one edified another person (apart from dishing out advice on which doctor to go to and what how much time it took to recover from some leg pains), no one listened.

As I sat munching on my salad and nibbling some pizza, I developed an ear ache and a stiff neck with all that listening and pretending to be interested in 2 hours worth of pain.

Pain begets pain.

Thank God it was over if not I may have developed some terminal illness. :p

Shang - Ri La Putrajaya... NOT

OMG...

One should NEVER go there for buffet lunch. It was such a dissapointment. For RM50++ - RM60++ something, I thought it was a heavy breakfast buffet in a 3 star hotel.

Sheesh... they don't even replenish the trays. The fish whatever was swimming in oil. The chicken whatever was having an oil bath as well. Everything was the spicy-oily type. Eeek!

Pokoknya, don't have meals there. Not worth your money and time. Even the tea tasted like left over bittergourd juice with brown colouring.

Eyes falling out

Form sunrise to sunset, I am toiling in the office. Doing a million things that does not necessarily go towards the 'work of the day'. So it piles up to one big mess and then will one day blow up in my face.

I am so tired. My eyeballs are twitching...

The office nearly caught fire today. Good thing a colleague put it out. As it turns out, the fuse thing at the florescent lights gave way... perhaps from heavy usage.

I feel for Mr. Florescent.

Spare Tyre

Zingy now has a more active social life than I do. I have to keep up.

My idea of a good weekend is about spending time together, doing things together, bonding...

NOT

-taking a 7 hour nap and then realize the weekend is too short to even do the laundry.
-then after the 7 hour nap, takes lunch at 2am in the morning and finally sleeps at 8am in the morning.
-then realize that one has screwed the working Monday and that one is perpetually tired.
-forgetting that one has a wife who needs some TLC eventhough she is 90% of the time independant.
-being on the net every waking moment.


I am frustrated.

Can't he ...like organise his cupboard or pick up after himself.

I have realised that many times when he speaks to me, the sentences are half way, referring to wrong words etc. Y'know like when someone is watching TV and speaking to you on the phone. Sounding distant and scattered, thinking about other things and not really concentrating on the conversation.

I know he has a good heart and all. He has the best of intentions, and he is really intelligent and his brain works faster than lightning....

Sometimes these small things really get to me. I have to be more positive I guess. Close 2 eyes and get on with everything else.

So now, I am alone, with my new laptop (thank God :) ) and thinking what to eat for dinner. Zingy ffk me ... so what to do? I feel worse because I hate Sunday evenings/nights. I am all alone facing the impending arrival of Monday. Perhaps I need to go out, travel outstation more often. Perhaps he will eventually realise that I've been gone for a month and try to spend time together?? I feel overlooked. Shelved. Taken for granted. Not appreciated.

(Is this how God feels when we have no time for HIM?)