Milked out

So here I am ..nearly 2 years since my last blog post.

Baby J is nearly 2 too and it is no rocket science what I have been doing for the last 2 years. Everyone will tell you that motherhood is a whole new paradigm and many mommies can do all of it again and again and again...

Although children are a blessing, I think my sanity would come first. I will stick to bringing up J as best that I can and also to not forget that I am my own person. J is very much his own person and for that I am glad :). (Mummy loves you forever J :*)

On other issues, we have not unpacked all our boxes yet. Maybe that feat will take another 5 years but who's counting.

Speaking of boxes, there are times that I feel that I am in one. It is hard to come out from this big, deep box full of everyday washing, feeding, entertaining of a toddler and exhaustion. I still try to not lose sight of the things that I want to do for myself. Some of it - learn and speak Tamil, going back to playing guitar for a band, and maybe taking up sewing (using the sewing machine and overcoming the fear of sewing my fingers together!!). I also need to tap into my creative side. Maybe write more, design stuff, speak to random strangers and see where that leads me...

Perhaps I should write about people's stories. Everyone has a story.

Even if not a soul reads my blog, at least it is out there. At least I did something totally self indulgent today.

The Whirlwind

So here I am. It has been an epic journey thus far and blogging from an iPod is pretty challenging. The past 10 months have been a roller coaster where I frequently felt that laughing or crying had no difference.

Baby J was born in April 2012 and it has just been delirium ever since :)

I assure you that there is a God. He really has a sense of humour and would go all out to drive you completely nuts.

In the midst of being pregnant we had to relocate, find a new obgyn and then grapple with motherhood. Ok gtg ... J has awoken from his nap...

To the Moon

Every trip I make I would like to make it count. This particular offer was too good to just resist.. I was offered a place on a space shuttle to go to the moon. Speaking about over the moon, I think I was over Jupiter! I made it!! I never thought I would be even asked to go on this epic trip. Oh wow... then I remembered I was pregnant and I was unable to participate in the expedition... then I awoke and it was 3.30am. Damn the tea I drank at 6pm.

The Change

Talking about changes. Wow.. where can I begin.
After feeling weird for a couple of weeks, I finally used a home kit which informed me that I was 99% pregnant. This was on the 8 Oct 2011. I finally confirmed the 1% with a gynae on 15 Oct 2011 that I was indeed 10 weeks pregnant.

Awesome. I thank God that I did India and had super fun despite being pregnant. It is only God's grace that He enabled me to do a bucket list item. No symptoms of any pregnancy except for my inkling for it.

Honestly, I am still in the 'are you sure?' zone and am not sure how to react, respond and understand my impending role. This is HUGE.

Funny that God would enable us to get the new property closer to home. At that time, I suppose we did not know I was pregnant. Yet I believe God led us to find a house which we love. It is just amazing when we speak of God's timing. This means that all our plans to go home is accelerated. No more procrastinating but the time to go home and to grow roots is finally here.

Again, I don't know where to start, what to pack, what to expect. Throw in Rfs and that is another unknown...

I pray that baby is well, healthy and grows up fearing the Lord. I pray that Rfs is able to love baby as well. I pray that I will be able to cope with all these changes. I also pray that somehow my bucket list will not be so much at the back burner. So HoMe, here I come. God, here we go.

Amen.

Protracted Neurosis

The past 3 days have been really blahh for me. It is the end of my 1 week break and I am definitely not in the mood to return to work. Just as I go through this and feeling the need to get inspired all over again, I make a remarkable discovery.

I was cleaning out 1/8th of my cupboard yesterday only to realise that some of the pages in my journal was being dog-eared by some t-shirts. Upon pulling everything out, I could not help my self but to look into my journal from a hundred years ago and take a skip down memory lane. Well, flipped through all my adolescent struggles and re-lived my mission trips to Burma-Thai border and all.

Later in the afternoon, on the way to get Rufus for the dawgie hotel, we stopped by Canaan Land. Usually disinterested in all the books which I could gain knowledge if only I loved to read a tad more, I came across one of those social justice books. I could not believe my eyes when I flipped through the pages, and saw a very familiar face - it was R whom I met in Chiangmai way back in 1995.

Wow! God has a real sense of humour. Imagine seeing a familiar face in such a random book, in a little less random bookstore on a really random day. Wow.

R was with Ps. Timothy Laklem in the Asian Tribal Ministries and they were the ones who took us oblivious youth up to the refugee schools in the mountains at the border. - And R, our interpreter and guide with Mr. Snuffleupagus eye lashes, developed a liking to me. Anyway, after that trip, it took 3 3-hour letters to convince him that I was too young to run away with him (he was about 10 years older).

Anyhow, due to the postal systems and all we lost contact and that was it. The last I met him he had a girlfriend and was doing ministry with the other Karen refugees.

When I flipped the page of the book, I was delighted to hear that he is the president of the Karen community in Nebraska and doing so much for his community and a father to 3 children. Wow :)

I will try to get in touch with him. Just as how God enabled Jester and I to contact each other again, I believe this is God's way of telling me to not give up and to hold on tight for the journey up ahead.

Thank you God for reminding my soul that You are in control and You have placed me in the right place at the right time for the right reasons.

Bucket List matters

Time and time again I hear myself saying -"yeah, need to do own business, no more slaving for someone else's kingdom."

The issue is when, what, where and how.

There are so many questions to ask and reconcile first before letting everything go. Anyway, recently a friend of mine and I finally put our money where our mouth is and bought some pieces of clothing that we could sell to friends we meet or on FB. I have made 4 sales and it has made me think that we can do it and should do it and will make it.

Well, 'making it' is relative - but I am quite proud to say that I finally went on to start something rather than just talk about it.

So - we are still bobbing about managing it as we go along, at out own pace. It feels good.

Looking down at the blog, there are still things to do before I hit 40. I thank God for taking me this far and giving me all that I need. I am contented with what I have and all the experiences He has allowed be to go through.

As for a birthday entry - turning 35 did not happen with any fire works or a big great bang. (Thank God). All I know is, partying with char koay teow and umbra peng is bliss.

:)

Indifference

Spiralling Sunday neurosis is not advisable. So what better else to do on a Sunday afternoon but to blog my blues away. We should all stop awhile and smell the roses. I feel that the prime of my life is being eaten away by the hustle and bustle of work and things I HAVE to do. Anyway, for now a good cup of tea and some cheesecake would have to do as my coping mechanisms. I feel a bit irratable today. Its the house mess, the things not done, the dishes not washed and I cannot be bothered. Sometimes I want to be the carefree one. I want to be the one to be picked up after. I want to be the one who expects things to be done. I want to be the one who is pampered. I want to be the one who can just leave things unfinished and know that no one will nag. I guess I am tired of being the 'bigger' person, the person to rely on, the person one would go to for anything. I want to crawl into my cave with my cake and tea and not come out till things are done, the mess if cleared, the dishes washed, the world perfect.