Dang ! We have come a long way!

It is 2023 and it is nice to have a blog in the middle of nowhere. A recap-I have survived 2 house shifts, 4 years of legal practice, an ongoing pandemic of Covid and a tween that gives me immence joy and exasperation all at the same time. All in all, I am thankful. This year I hope to fear less and do more. Cheers!

It is 2017!!!! I have even forgotten what my blog name was. Since 2014, it has been quite a ride. I went back to working part time and then full time. J is 5 this year and he is growing too  fast.

Some things have not changed... I still have stuff packed in boxes. I  don't think I will ever have the energy to unpack them.

In a few months, there may be another big shift as a family. This I dread. How does one uproot again? How do you yank out yourself and  go to another  place that is just meh.  I am not looking forward to it but what  is life without some rock  and roll?


Now.. where do I  get more boxes  for packing...

Milked out

So here I am ..nearly 2 years since my last blog post.

Baby J is nearly 2 too and it is no rocket science what I have been doing for the last 2 years. Everyone will tell you that motherhood is a whole new paradigm and many mommies can do all of it again and again and again...

Although children are a blessing, I think my sanity would come first. I will stick to bringing up J as best that I can and also to not forget that I am my own person. J is very much his own person and for that I am glad :). (Mummy loves you forever J :*)

On other issues, we have not unpacked all our boxes yet. Maybe that feat will take another 5 years but who's counting.

Speaking of boxes, there are times that I feel that I am in one. It is hard to come out from this big, deep box full of everyday washing, feeding, entertaining of a toddler and exhaustion. I still try to not lose sight of the things that I want to do for myself. Some of it - learn and speak Tamil, going back to playing guitar for a band, and maybe taking up sewing (using the sewing machine and overcoming the fear of sewing my fingers together!!). I also need to tap into my creative side. Maybe write more, design stuff, speak to random strangers and see where that leads me...

Perhaps I should write about people's stories. Everyone has a story.

Even if not a soul reads my blog, at least it is out there. At least I did something totally self indulgent today.

The Whirlwind

So here I am. It has been an epic journey thus far and blogging from an iPod is pretty challenging. The past 10 months have been a roller coaster where I frequently felt that laughing or crying had no difference.

Baby J was born in April 2012 and it has just been delirium ever since :)

I assure you that there is a God. He really has a sense of humour and would go all out to drive you completely nuts.

In the midst of being pregnant we had to relocate, find a new obgyn and then grapple with motherhood. Ok gtg ... J has awoken from his nap...

To the Moon

Every trip I make I would like to make it count. This particular offer was too good to just resist.. I was offered a place on a space shuttle to go to the moon. Speaking about over the moon, I think I was over Jupiter! I made it!! I never thought I would be even asked to go on this epic trip. Oh wow... then I remembered I was pregnant and I was unable to participate in the expedition... then I awoke and it was 3.30am. Damn the tea I drank at 6pm.

The Change

Talking about changes. Wow.. where can I begin.
After feeling weird for a couple of weeks, I finally used a home kit which informed me that I was 99% pregnant. This was on the 8 Oct 2011. I finally confirmed the 1% with a gynae on 15 Oct 2011 that I was indeed 10 weeks pregnant.

Awesome. I thank God that I did India and had super fun despite being pregnant. It is only God's grace that He enabled me to do a bucket list item. No symptoms of any pregnancy except for my inkling for it.

Honestly, I am still in the 'are you sure?' zone and am not sure how to react, respond and understand my impending role. This is HUGE.

Funny that God would enable us to get the new property closer to home. At that time, I suppose we did not know I was pregnant. Yet I believe God led us to find a house which we love. It is just amazing when we speak of God's timing. This means that all our plans to go home is accelerated. No more procrastinating but the time to go home and to grow roots is finally here.

Again, I don't know where to start, what to pack, what to expect. Throw in Rfs and that is another unknown...

I pray that baby is well, healthy and grows up fearing the Lord. I pray that Rfs is able to love baby as well. I pray that I will be able to cope with all these changes. I also pray that somehow my bucket list will not be so much at the back burner. So HoMe, here I come. God, here we go.

Amen.

Protracted Neurosis

The past 3 days have been really blahh for me. It is the end of my 1 week break and I am definitely not in the mood to return to work. Just as I go through this and feeling the need to get inspired all over again, I make a remarkable discovery.

I was cleaning out 1/8th of my cupboard yesterday only to realise that some of the pages in my journal was being dog-eared by some t-shirts. Upon pulling everything out, I could not help my self but to look into my journal from a hundred years ago and take a skip down memory lane. Well, flipped through all my adolescent struggles and re-lived my mission trips to Burma-Thai border and all.

Later in the afternoon, on the way to get Rufus for the dawgie hotel, we stopped by Canaan Land. Usually disinterested in all the books which I could gain knowledge if only I loved to read a tad more, I came across one of those social justice books. I could not believe my eyes when I flipped through the pages, and saw a very familiar face - it was R whom I met in Chiangmai way back in 1995.

Wow! God has a real sense of humour. Imagine seeing a familiar face in such a random book, in a little less random bookstore on a really random day. Wow.

R was with Ps. Timothy Laklem in the Asian Tribal Ministries and they were the ones who took us oblivious youth up to the refugee schools in the mountains at the border. - And R, our interpreter and guide with Mr. Snuffleupagus eye lashes, developed a liking to me. Anyway, after that trip, it took 3 3-hour letters to convince him that I was too young to run away with him (he was about 10 years older).

Anyhow, due to the postal systems and all we lost contact and that was it. The last I met him he had a girlfriend and was doing ministry with the other Karen refugees.

When I flipped the page of the book, I was delighted to hear that he is the president of the Karen community in Nebraska and doing so much for his community and a father to 3 children. Wow :)

I will try to get in touch with him. Just as how God enabled Jester and I to contact each other again, I believe this is God's way of telling me to not give up and to hold on tight for the journey up ahead.

Thank you God for reminding my soul that You are in control and You have placed me in the right place at the right time for the right reasons.

Bucket List matters

Time and time again I hear myself saying -"yeah, need to do own business, no more slaving for someone else's kingdom."

The issue is when, what, where and how.

There are so many questions to ask and reconcile first before letting everything go. Anyway, recently a friend of mine and I finally put our money where our mouth is and bought some pieces of clothing that we could sell to friends we meet or on FB. I have made 4 sales and it has made me think that we can do it and should do it and will make it.

Well, 'making it' is relative - but I am quite proud to say that I finally went on to start something rather than just talk about it.

So - we are still bobbing about managing it as we go along, at out own pace. It feels good.

Looking down at the blog, there are still things to do before I hit 40. I thank God for taking me this far and giving me all that I need. I am contented with what I have and all the experiences He has allowed be to go through.

As for a birthday entry - turning 35 did not happen with any fire works or a big great bang. (Thank God). All I know is, partying with char koay teow and umbra peng is bliss.

:)

Indifference

Spiralling Sunday neurosis is not advisable. So what better else to do on a Sunday afternoon but to blog my blues away. We should all stop awhile and smell the roses. I feel that the prime of my life is being eaten away by the hustle and bustle of work and things I HAVE to do. Anyway, for now a good cup of tea and some cheesecake would have to do as my coping mechanisms. I feel a bit irratable today. Its the house mess, the things not done, the dishes not washed and I cannot be bothered. Sometimes I want to be the carefree one. I want to be the one to be picked up after. I want to be the one who expects things to be done. I want to be the one who is pampered. I want to be the one who can just leave things unfinished and know that no one will nag. I guess I am tired of being the 'bigger' person, the person to rely on, the person one would go to for anything. I want to crawl into my cave with my cake and tea and not come out till things are done, the mess if cleared, the dishes washed, the world perfect.

Living

Just 2 minutes ago I got to know that my friend had gone to a better place after battling with cancer for a few years. She was strong throughout. She took cancer by its horns and stared it in the face. She achieved much and inspired many.

This is a reminder that we have to live life to the fullest and make it count. Mel B, you rock forever.

Fat

I suppose I never came to terms with my fat till now. When I thought I was obese, I actually looked like I could be blown out the room with a fan. Now when I thought all in fine in my world, my MIL insinuates I am not good enough to roam the land of planet Earth because I do not have a figure to grace a centrefold and do not have kids so that other people will not look down on her. Ok. Back up a bit. My world is fine and I am very happy with all that the good Lord has blessed me.

Granted, I love my food. I proudly declare that I live to eat. I would insist on euthanasia if I could not taste food any longer. However, I surely do not think I am THAT fat for her to compile a scrap book of ads and products for me. FYI, amongst the ads are some other ads about fertility and yada yada yada.

So, the issue at hand is not about her. It's about me.

Am I really so fat? Do I look disgraceful to you and your family? Do you really need a granchild to be validated? Am I going to have kids someday? Do I know my husband's sperm count?

I already know the answers to all those questions but just needed to get it out of my system. It was a flashback to my insecure self when I was very much younger and would strive and wish I was someone I was not. Those days are over baby, I am all me and here to stay.

As I sip my tea and have a foodgasm with my butter cookie, I thank God that I am wonderfully made - warts and all :)

35 going on 105?

What hits the snag is a bunch of 35 year olds, all pretty and dainty talking about pains and aches for 2 hours. I did not know what to do... to scream or to scream some more. Of course when I say pretty and dainty, I am not speaking about myself. They were my ex school mates who met up for dinner during the holidays.

Well, I came away from the dinner feeling all tired and sapped. No one shared any significant issues in their lives, no one edified another person (apart from dishing out advice on which doctor to go to and what how much time it took to recover from some leg pains), no one listened.

As I sat munching on my salad and nibbling some pizza, I developed an ear ache and a stiff neck with all that listening and pretending to be interested in 2 hours worth of pain.

Pain begets pain.

Thank God it was over if not I may have developed some terminal illness. :p

Full Circle

When I was 17 I went to this obscure village in another country. It was a life-changing experience and the seed to fight for the voiceless and to eleviate poverty flourished. I met my peers who did not have a fraction of all that I took for granted - such as parents, school, pocket money, a home, a fridge, a tv, police, hospital, clinics and a country which I could go out any time of the day and not be shot dead.

Seeing how my peers survived even with the lack of basic amenities just made me wonder the fragility of one's securities.

When I left the village and bid farewell to newfound friends, we sobbed like someone had died. They knew and I knew that the next time we ever met again was in heaven or some other place not in this lifetime. As months went by, correspondences via snail mail dwindled, postal services were unreliable and the last we heard that village was burnt down after an attack.

It has been years ... but 1 month ago, I got in contact with one of them whom I met there when he was 11. He is now in another country living out his passion as an artiste.

I thank God for His hand on my life all these years. More so, I realise God never abandoned me in my times of despair and when I thought I wasted my time not pursuing my passion. In fact, it was within His plans to mould me to who I am today.

By God enabling me to get in touch with my dear friend whom I never thought I would meet again reminds me of His faithfulness in times of my faithlessness. It reminds me of never giving up on God because He is God. It reminds me that my big picture is just a tiny speck in God's BIG Picture. It reminds me that I should clear out my cupboard more often as the younger me may have left some surprises for the older me :)

Sporadic Emergence

Being the Lockness monster that I am, this blog has just been sitting in the back of my mind.

This 2 years have been me living life and having adventures which I never thought was possible for me. God has a funny way of taking you through the unbeaten path if you ask for it. It has been a wonderful ride, with the good and the bad.

As I take stock of my life, I will not exchange it for anything in the world. I am not rich, I am not powerful, I am not drop dead gorgeous, I am not a genious, I am not famous, I am not a rock star (yet), my teeth aren't white enough, my hair is thinning, my eyebags are have their own postal address, my neck feels like a old railway track... (ok I shall stop here lest I get depressed)

BUT I am contented, I am happy, I have my family, I have good friends, I know why I am here now, I love what I do, I have food, I can come home and hug my dog, I am at peace with myself, I can always do more, I know that God is with me.

Having a fulfilled life is appreciating the untangible, taking the chances and laughing till you vomit.

Amen.

One of those days...

Today, I did not want to face work.
Today, I caught up with myself.
Today, I wanted to just sit in solitude with a cup of tea and the newspaper.
Today, I just wanted to be still and ponder.
Today, I cooked dinner.
Today, I realised that I have enough hangers for 2 loads of laundry.
Today, I folded the clothes.
Today, I drank the 'Happy Drink' which was made out of Cadbury Hot choc. (Its nicer with our good ol Milo)
Today, I did not want to speak to anyone.
Today, I wished I had Astro.
Today, I wished that tomorrow was a holiday.
Today, I wished that I can just finish all my office work.
Today, I thought of all the time that has gone by and wondered what God would say.
Today, I hoped that there will be a better tomorrow, for me, my family and the multitudes out there.
Today, I am going ask God what am I here for.
Today, is the day that the Lord has made.

July

All I can say is ..."What a month!!!!"

Bad things happened but God meant it for good. Be encouraged. I remember when I was younger, mom used to bribe me with food to go visit the dentist. Sometimes things we go through are painful and difficult, once done, we realize that we don't have a bad tooth anymore and that we gained a bar of Toblerone (it was a BIG thing last time..)

God has his plans. Who am I to question? I am human nonetheless...I still ask questions but God surprises me with the answers. We are in good hands..

Things I Want To Do Before 40

I thank God if I live to see 40. I want to celebrate life by doing these things. God help me as I place these milestones one at a time.

1) Reading the Tamil news.
2) Performing at a rock concert.
3) Traveling half the world and giving out aid and food.
4) Speaking Spanish like drinking water.
5) Clearing the mess in the house.
6) Bringing down my hip size to, say, just right?
7) Learning to cook super power rassam.

*List is not exhaustive

Wasting Away

As my partner-in-crime said to me, I am still stuck in CNY and giving out angpows...

Actually, it has been eat, sleep, work, work like dog, then sleep and occasionally going to the loo.

I love my job but it is laden with the bureaucracy that even before starting the fight for humanity, you are already down with food poisoning from what your boss gave you for breakfast.

I need to do something more significant. I need to get out there and do things I am really passionate about. I want to go back 10 years ago when I was super idealistic and had the chance to embark on many things. Now, I am just jaded and looking through the rubble of my broken passions for something to salvage.

Someone please help me.

Chinese New Year's Eve

Cooking, washing, cleaning, cutting, wiping, stirring...... I am so tired I could die.

The in-laws are down and that is just the thing I needed after working like a dawg for the past 2 weeks. When it rains it pours.

Every household have their own culture. If I am expected to cook 24/7, NO WAY HOSEA!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, if no one is fussy then it does not matter much. However, MIL wants to cook this, do that, eat this, suggest that..... aarrgghh

On top of all that she 'mentioned' that she does not want to tire me out and asked me what I was thinking of doing for the meals on NY eve. I told her that I was thinking of buying food home and then start preps for the dinner after a non-fuss lunch. Nooooooooooooo .... she then suggested eating rice. Thank God I am the Queen of frozen stuff from Penang!! I took out all my frozen dishes we cooked whilst I was back in Penang and heated everything up. No complaints as it was cooked by my si foo back home.

I was on my feet from 10am to 11pm. Doing all the above. I like cooking but not under these circumstances.

The steamboat dinner turned out well and they enjoyed the yee sang.

Now planning the next meal and slaving in the kitchen.

No Comprendo

Maybe I need some explanations here. Someone help me out....